03.22.09

Club Donk

Posted in Knightly Tales at 5:40 pm by Administrator

“Welcome to Club Donk.  Did you bring your Donk Key this time?” said the gatekeeper.

“Yes, it is right here.” said the keymaster as he raised his key towards the gatekeeper.  This made the gatekeeper happy; however, he denied any admittance of this sensation by responding in a unsatisfactory manner.

“Whoa!  Get that thing out of my face punk?!?!” bellowed the gatekeeper.  This startled the keymaster since the term “punk” was foreign to him and in truth had not been invented yet.  It was not until centuries later that the term was solidified in text when Mr. Webster misspelled Funk & Wagnalls.  In truth, he hated the pair and the act was intentional - but none of these people had any clue… well, at least until Martin the great knight came from the future and spilled the beans on it all.  The keymaster was unaware of this event because he had recently canceled his subscription to The Daily Court.

“If I would have wanted that crooked Donk Key in my face, I would have clearly specified a request for such an act!” the gatekeeper continued.  “Now enter, before I revoke your Club Donk Gold Membership Hee-haw All-Access Backdoor Pass.”

“Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine…..fine….fine………….fine.” replied the keymaster with an echo in his voice.  This was a strange phenomenon because his mouth was so large and cave-like that it provided its own echoes on random occasions.

Club Donk was a fascinating place.  To outsiders it seemed like a strange Club (or gathering of imbeciles as some would say) in which Donk Masters would sit around a strange table talking about dexterity points and rolling multi-sided rocks at each other.  They all seemed to have strange names whenever they gathered as well.  They referred to these rendezvous’s as Dungeons & Donk Keys.  A Donk Key was required for admittance, which was basically a custom painted shield with something like a family crest or something.  Most people thought it was just a phase and they would eventually get on with ransacking, pillaging and destroying villages, but alas they were wrong.

Club Donk continues to operate to this day in an undisclosed location possibly at the summit of Mount Everest. It’s a place where men become boys and women become angry.

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03.02.09

Best Email Ever - I Need Excalibur!

Posted in Medieval Products at 4:32 pm by Administrator

Okay, this is a reprint of an email I received last week. It’s so funny I just had to share. I love my customers :)

When I came across the EXCALIBUR sword on your glorious website, I nearly fell out of my car and rolled down the stairs in pure excitement! I swear a blood oath that I heard flutes playing and saw people dancing on top of mountains I was so happy. I need to place an order for this weapon of mass destruction, but first I need you to ensure some of my needs are met.

First, I want the sheath to be made of solid platinum blessed by elven wizards. The blessing must be at least plus 2. Second, whenever I pull my Excalibur from its sheath, I want it to spray lightning all over the room, killing everything within 75 feet of my body. The lightning must be made of 1,000,000 amps… everyone knows amps are much better than stupid volts. Third, I want all people standing near my sword to pop like 16 boners… bigger than the biggest boner ever to live ever. Fourth, I want my sword to be able to fold… I drive a geo metro, and I need to be able to fit it in my trunk. Fifth… I want you to include a pair of Excalibur pajamas with my order.

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